Ladies and Gentlemen, lets face it. This year's SuperBowl matchup is chalked full of floater potential. Ney, for a hater, I am not. However, the Patriots will be better prepared for New York this go round than the U.S. is for an invasion by the Armed Forces of Poland.
This truism could very well provide the main component for a hells broth of a boring sporting event. Some Vegas Casinos now have the line for game at Patriots - BwaaHaaahaaa. I personally do not prescribe to this idea, but in the event that I am wrong and the game is effectively over after the opening kickoff, lets examine some todo's for manufacturing a great Super Sunday.
1. Watch EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of pre game coverage! Why?, you ask. Well friends of the program, have you ever watched a movie where one bad guy is complaining about a sore foot that was recently stomped on by the quick thinking hero and then the other bad guy hits him in the head with a tire iron to make him forget said foot pain. Ergo my pre game attention...no matter how bad the game turns out to be, it won't hurt nearly as bad as being subjected to 14+ hours of "Road to the Superbowl" or "Stories of Personal Triumph" or endless "Lets Breakdown the Matchup" dribble during the day. Trust me...pain is the best anestetic in this case.
2. GAMBLE....early and often. "Wait TBZ, we can't promote gambling." Bologna! and other Luncheon Meats....embrace every office pool, SB squares, friendly wager in site. Example: Have $5 on the over/under of how many times a guy watching the game with you will need to get up to pee before there are two offensive holding penalties on the same player not in a jersey number ending with 3. Get creative! Now don't put your life savings on the line (since Social Security is now only for American history class), but gamble, have something...anything to get excited about, if the score becomes more lopsided than Janet Reno's upper torso.
3. Do it Big! This has become a common theme with current successful Rap artists and it is HIGH time is adopted by SuperBowl watchers around the world. If you are on a couch with 2 of your friends, all rooting for the same team over a shared case of "The High Life" while making out jersey numbers on a 13' Daewoo with bunny ears, fighting about what quarter to open the last bag of Wavy Lays (plug)...you are NOT doing it Big. Get rivalry, top shelf liquor, charred meat and HDTV in the mix...just for starters. I want a little reverance here people. The Den will be rocking 42' of HD Plasma with wireless surround sound, a guest list of 20+ of only the most hardy and righteous NFL fans with continuous gambling on everything including if the hired bartender will get drunk enough for nude body shots before 1/2 time (I have it on good authority from the person that took my credit card info....she will) and smoked tenderloin complimented with a Brat Bonanza (13 different flavors) to dine on...list available upon request.
4. Talk Football. This is more important than it sounds. If you are like me, you are spending the SuperBowl with old friends and probably ones you have sat through the big game with before. Rehash memories...do some trivia, ho ho...there's an idea. Example 1: What was the main reason the Raiders lost SB XXXVII? (Gannon was old and tired) Example 2 : What name did Bob call Rex Grossman in front of Amy's 4 year old daughter half way through the 3rd quarter during last years loss to Indy? (A *&$%# smoking *&@# muscle) This will highten the experience for all involved, reaffirm why it is important to get together for this tradition and maybe deter Bob from drinking Quervo (plug(sp)) straight until his favorite player gets a first down this year.
5. Make history! This year, the big game is all about historical accomplishments. Make your Superbowl party about the same. Now most of you will this I am sending out invitations to consume more liquor in a 5 hour period than any other dozen people have done....YOU ARE WRONG. Super Sunday is about the marathon not the sprint, especially where booze is concerned. But you can go to the Guiness book of records and find many easily beatable records that in doing so will help pass the monotonous hours of Tom Brady throwing to a continuously wide open spot over the middle of the field. As previously stated, The Den will be recording the largest variety of Sausage flavors ever cooked and consumed at one time...wanna beat me, try it!
6. DO NOT BLOG!!!! Listen and listen well my dear readers...if you find yourself behind a computer screen between 1 hour before or 1 hour after the SuperBowl, you have no life and should consider sweater vest testing as your life's work. This is no way to spend Super Sunday and despite what you may have heard, no one will care what the hell you have to say until after the Lombardi Trophey has been awarded. Furthermore...in the history of professional sports, never has proclaiming your team's supremecy over the information Super-freekin-Highway EVER had an effect on the outcome of a game in progress.
That being said, look for my 2nd quarter analysis blog roughly 7:30 CST February 3.
Have a Great SB Day, only 293 hours til kick off....give or take a who cares